confession time

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I've really enjoyed writing this blog so far, and I've loved the emails I've gotten from my readers. But I feel it is time to be upfront about a few things. First off, you wouldn't know it from reading the blog, but I am terribly, painfully, embarrassingly shy. You can see from the pictures I've posted thus far that I'm rather pale... This, combined with my shyness makes for a number of awkward situations. I turn beet red at the slightest provocation - asking someone a simple question can sometimes lead to that slow flush creeping up my chest to my hairline, until I'm the color of a tomato. It also meant that I needed considerable cool down time after teenaged escapades because my chest would go all blotchy red and it would be immediately obvious what I'd been doing moments earlier.

Pfft... enough dancing about. This foray into my crippling shyness is really all just lead in to my big reveal that I've been less than completely honest here. Well, that's not entirely true either. Nothing I've written thus far, with the exception of my gym adventure with Todd, has been false. And really, up until me asking Todd home to fuck me, that was all true too. But when Todd asked me for coffee, my dreaded shyness reared it's ugly head - I turned red, stuttered and dropped my water bottle, then while trying to pick that up, managed to drop my keys in a puddle. By this point, I felt like such an utter ass, I basically fled to my car. I couldn't even look him in the eye, I felt like such a dork!

So, really Todd was the motivation and inspiration for starting this blog. I cursed myself the whole way home for not being able to respond properly to a simple request for coffee. I just don't seem to be able to get the hang of this whole 'adult' dating thing. The drunken groping in the bar with my ex? Got that down to an art form. But the sober interactions with someone I find attractive? Elusive.

This is why I end up fantasizing about Naomi, and Tyler, and then falling into bed with Jim when I know I shouldn't. I just can't seem to do the meeting someone under normal circumstances thing properly. I go back and read what I wrote about my imagined night with Todd and I kick myself. In all honestly, my fevered imaginings are probably far better than the potential reality. But it is the fact that I'll never know that kills me. He may not have been Mr. Right, he may have had a teeny tiny penis (not that I'm a size queen), he may have been an utterly boring asshole. But because I'm terrible at these things, I'm left just wondering what could have been.

The thing is, it wasn't always this way. In college, things were much different. Drunk and full of swagger, I practically tripped over cock most weekends. I'm not some super-hot siren, luring men with a swish of the hips and a come-hither look or anything. It's just that the combination of free flowing booze and raging hormones made it fairly easy to at least find someone to nail me. And given the liberal atmosphere, most anything went. I played truth or dare with a room full of hot lesbians, and got my first taste of girl-on-girl action. I had my first (and second, third and fourth) three way there. We were young, on our own for the first time, and sex was constantly in the air.

Once I left school and moved to New York, I realized I didn't have the same charmed existence when it came to sex. What had once required little less than 'hey' and copious amounts of beer, suddenly required actual conversation and seduction and flirting skills that I seem to lack. All my male friends swear to me that sex is easy for women - that all I have to do is get my tits out, flirt a little and take a guy home. But it doesn't seem to be that easy for me. I mean sure, when I'm out at the bar with friends and boozed up, I can swing a sloshy hookup with the best of them. When it comes to trying to pick up that cute guy at the coffee shop, or work up the nerve to ask out a guy I met at a party, I'm fucking hopeless.

So. Todd motivated me to write this blog because I needed an outlet for all my unspent lust. And now, your emails and comments are inspiring me to come clean. You've all given me the courage to stop being such a pussy and just take what I want.

I'm still going to the gym and have yet to see Todd, but when (or if) I do... damn it, I'm just going to ask him out. In the meantime, though, I've decided to be proactive and check out online dating. You'd think with all the other shit I do online, I'd have done it by now, but I haven't. A lot of my friends seem to have decent luck with it though. And of course, I'll chronicle all my dating adventures (and misadventures) here, so stay tuned.